


You Don't Know my Mind

by yourereallyhere



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, But it's there, Canon Divergence - the 100, Canon Divergent, Clarke Griffin Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Clarke Griffin Has Panic Attacks, Clarke hates herself so be prepared, Everyone is being mean to Clarke, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I'll let you know when I figure it out, Just wants to help, M/M, Minor Abby Griffin/Marcus Kane, Minor Emori/John Murphy (The 100), Minor Eric Jackson/Nathan Miller, Minor Octavia Blake/Niylah, POV Bellamy Blake, POV Clarke Griffin, Sad Bellamy, Slow Burn Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, a lot of it, and she has PTSD from Earth, future smut, i don't really know where this is going, if you don't want to read that I'll let you know in the notes before, mostly focusing on Clarke at least in the beginning, undiagnosed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-28 18:55:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18762400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourereallyhere/pseuds/yourereallyhere
Summary: The nasty looks continue, the whispers persist, and the overwhelming cloak of pure loneliness that drapes over her shoulders is perpetual. It seems to gain more and more weight with each day that passes, pushing down on her chest like a rock and stinging her eyes with tears she refuses to let fall. As mornings drag into afternoons and eventually into nights and the only sound comes from Madi’s even breaths in the bed beside her, it’s hard to stop the voices and whispers from resurfacing, this time from within.You’re not who you thought you were. You failed. You’re not the good guy. You’re no one.





	You Don't Know my Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Hellooooooo everyone and welcome to the first fic that I'm actually going to continue! In celebration of reaching 1k followers on my tumblr ([@yourereallyhere](https://yourereallyhere.tumblr.com)) enjoy me projecting my love for Clarke and also Clarke's love for Bellamy (eventually) in this mess. love you!!  
> (title from Dark Necessities by RHCP)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first blow hurts the most. It comes from Emori. As much as Clarke wishes she could be surprised by her snide comment, it was to be expected. She can’t blame them too harshly for it. She would hate herself too in their shoes. To be honest, she does even in her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6 days until we see an episode that hasn't been leaked :') that's all. enjoy <3

**Chapter One: Monster**

The first blow hurts the most. It comes from Emori. As much as Clarke wishes she could be surprised by her snide comment, it was to be expected. She can’t blame them too harshly for it. She would hate herself too in their shoes. To be honest, she does even in her own. From the moment she left heard Madi’s warning, “Bellamy will die,” she’d been preparing herself for it. Spacekru, as she’d soon learned they called themselves, were fiercely protective of each other, of their new family. And Clarke was fiercely protective of hers. However, no matter how much she prepared, it still hurt. On some days, the days during which she could gather enough energy, she couldn’t help but try and defend herself. After all this time, after everything they had been through together, couldn’t they understand? Or at least try to see her point of view? Try to recognize the impossible position she’d been put in? The nasty looks continue, the whispers persist, and the overwhelming cloak of pure loneliness that drapes over her shoulders is perpetual. It seems to gain more and more weight with each day that passes, pushing down on her chest like a rock and stinging her eyes with tears she refuses to let fall. As mornings drag into afternoons and eventually into nights and the only sound comes from Madi’s even breaths in the bed beside her, it’s hard to stop the voices and whispers from resurfacing, this time from within.

_You’re not who you thought you were. You failed. You’re not the good guy. You’re no one._

She tries to remind herself of simpler times in the valley. She thought living in peace for six years had changed her. She promised to be better than she had been before. It is difficult for her to decipher what that even means. To keep another planet from being destroyed? To stop people from killing each other? Why did that responsibility fall on her? As far as she knows, an apocalypse is a group effort, but no matter what choice she was forced into making, people always ended up being hurt. 

Was what she was doing really so terrible? Protecting the child she loved most in this universe came above all else. Madi had been alone her whole life. Even though she appeared strong, determined, ready to take on this destined role, Clarke knew she was afraid. Afraid of leading, yes, but also afraid of being surrounded by so many new and unfamiliar faces. Ever since she was born, she had only been in contact with her parents who had hidden her from Fleimkepa scouts, and Clarke. They had both gotten used to being alone for so long that when the time came to reunite with humanity, they were nervous. Maybe it was a little selfish to try and shelter Madi from the dangers that lay ahead when she knew it would help Wonkru win, but how could she do that? How could she let the only family she had for six years run into Death’s open arms?

 _That’s what you do._ A voice like her own but more menacing tells her. _No matter how hard you try to push it away, this is who you truly are. You hurt, you kill, and it never stops unless you’re the only person in the Goddamn world. You’re a monster._

She never imagined being around other people again, the people she loves, would turn out like this. She never imagined being around other people again would make her feel more isolated than being alone on Earth ever did.

As those who went down to the new planet first were being taken to meet its leader, Clarke stayed by Madi’s side. She knew Raven would mumble something about how she was trying to “take control” again, just like Jasper had when Raven was chipped, but she couldn’t let herself think about that now. She couldn’t let Madi shoulder the burden of leadership on her own. She refused to let another person she loves be robbed of their childhood by the horrors of reality.

The leader, Russell, introduced himself kindly. He asked about their journey and they vaguely answered his questions. Still, they were accepted. They were given shelter, food, clothes, and freedom to explore the village and all they had to give in return was the promise that they wouldn’t cause any trouble. Their reputation precedes them. They had been warned not to leave the village, not because it was their prison, but because the outside held many dangers that, according to Russell, they could never even imagine.

Sleep didn’t come as easily for Clarke as it did for the others. It should have, considering the quarters she and Madi were given were located inside the castle itself. The others were housed in their own cottages in the village just outside, as there wasn’t room for everyone. The quarters consisted of beds fit for royalty, the softest sheets she’d ever felt in her life, and wide windows that looked over colorful fields of flowers and grain. What can she say? The Commander - and Clarke by association - gets perks. Yet, something didn’t sit quite right. For years she had slept in torturous conditions. Through sandstorms shielded by only the frail metal of the rover, every gust of wind startling her, as if the whole rover would flip over on itself. On a cot in the valley, the smell of burning flesh stinging her nose while her muscles ached from building pyres and lugging bodies of grounders to them. On one more difficult night even, precisely one year after Praimfiya, she drove  with Madi back to Arkadia and spent the night on the floor of its remains. Madi stayed in the rover, giving each of them the space they needed, but Clarke felt like she had no space at all. In fact, she felt the opposite; like she was drowning, suffocating, with no escape. Like pressure was hitting her at full force at every crevice of her body, like water was filling her lungs, like no matter how hard she tried to swim up and break through the surface there was a heavy weight pulling her down deeper, deeper, deeper.

 _This, this should be easy_ , she thought. No more hard surfaces. No more storms. No more reminders of all of the people she’d lost. Then why did it take so much more effort to slip into slumber? It reminded her of the shower in Becca’s mansion, of her first day at Mount Weather: too good to be true.

That was how things worked out for her, for the most part. She would foolishly gain hope only to have it violently ripped out of her bare hands.

She assumed that her immense fatigue had finally overcome her worries when she woke with a start, breathing heavily, with sweat lining her forehead and dripping down her back. It took her a few seconds to remember where she was. She glanced at the clock on her bedside table. 6:01 am. She’d gotten a full three hours. She still had two hours until breakfast. Figuring she wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep, she relieved herself of her damp pajamas and took a quick shower. She searched through the drawers and under piles and piles of dresses and other flowy and floral articles of clothing, finally found a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Scribbling a quick note to Madi letting her know she’d gotten a head start on the day, and then pocketing the pad and pen, she quietly made her way out of their quarters and to the main hall of the Palace. The staff that had already begun cooking breakfast in the biggest kitchen she’d ever laid eyes on and setting the long table in the banquet hall had greeted her kindly as she passed by. She returned the greetings with an empty smile and turned toward the exit, following the path down through the small settlement and to the top of a grassy hill.

During these past few days, well, past few weeks if she counts life before cryo, time for peace and quiet by herself was scarce. Even now, after Spacekru had cut her out, Madi was needed constantly. Clarke accompanied her, giving her daughter the support she desperately craved with her mere presence. If not for official meetings with Russell and his council - which Clarke was given no say in- then for getting acquainted with the village - which she actually enjoys. Although it usually turns out that Russell leads, with Madi by his side, Gaia by her side, Bellamy, Echo, and Raven following, and then way in the back, way, way, in the back, Clarke trails behind. The others were off on their own, enjoying their new homes, or helping in the med bay. Abby had been staying by Marcus’ bed, helping him recover from his surgery and gain his strength. Clarke takes her time exchanging pleasantries with merchants, drawing with the children, letting the villagers explain which berries are for eating and trying a few for herself. More often than not, she’s so far behind the group that she can’t even see them anymore. She doesn’t mind and doesn’t try to catch up. They don’t wait up, don’t look back, maybe they don’t even notice. It’s alright. The castle stands tall and proud in the center. It’s hard to get lost.

She enjoys the view from her spot on the hill. Across the greens and reds and yellows of the meadows and rolling hills that unfold for miles before her, she sees the Green. Jordan had called it an aurora, but Raven told him they only form at magnetic poles, so that couldn’t be it. Clarke just called it the Green. Russell and the locals hadn’t talked too much about it, just said that it was another danger of this world outside the boundaries of the village, something they stay away from, and advised that the newcomers should too. It looked like a swirling storm of green flames. It reminded her of Praimfiya, of the green undertones of radiation encompassed by a wave of orange, heading right towards her as she climbed up the tower. For the past few days, she had been finding the time to sketch it from the balcony in hers and Madi’s quarters. It was familiar yet so unlike anything she had ever seen before. It didn’t move from its location. It didn’t seem to burn the ground around it. The locals were unphased by it by now, she guessed. Yet, she was enraptured by it. The bright emerald glow it gave off deep into the night, shedding light into the room as she laid awake. Its swift circular motion endlessly spinning as people went about their day. And every day, Clarke stared at it, drawing the same picture over and over again, wondering what the hell it was, but also accepting it as a constant in her life.

And so she drew it again today, sitting on top of the hill, incredibly consumed by her thoughts until someone breaks her out of them. A quiet, “Hey” from behind makes her jump and the pen slides across the page through the sketch. 

A sheepish, “Sorry,” falls from Bellamy’s lips as he sits beside her and hands her a plate of eggs, toast with jam, and fruit, all slightly discolored from the natural ingredients of the planet. “You missed breakfast,” he states when she stares at him dumbly, making no move to grab the plate from his hands. How long was she sitting out here?

“Guess I lost track of time,” she mumbles, taking a bite of each and setting the plate down. Her relationship with Bellamy hadn’t been terrible, per say, at least in comparison to the others. It also hadn’t been very good. She knows he said he forgives her, but they never talked about it. “The commander ordered me not to be,” she remembers he said. It was a joke. He was trying to lighten up the mood as he usually does. But there had to be some truth to it. He was ordered to forgive her; it wasn’t on his own accord. Clarke couldn’t muster the courage to ever bring it up, and it seemed that that was the case for him as well. They see each other at mealtimes and at meetings with Russell. He doesn’t verbally antagonize her like the others do. Sometimes he tries to make conversation, but it usually dulls out. Like now. 

“Well,” she shifts awkwardly, eventually standing and wiping her sweaty palms on her jeans. “I should go check on Madi. Haven’t seen her yet today. So,” she paused. “I’m gonna go now.” She turned to walk away and as soon as she did she heard hurried footsteps trailing behind her.

“Clarke, you left your plate.” He caught up to her and matched his pace to her hurried one. “Can’t believe the Princess forgot her manners.” He attempted to make another joke and she felt the appropriate response was to laugh. All that came out was a sharp exhale through her nose. It was all she could do to hide the way her heart rate sped up at the familiar nickname. It was one she learned to associate with a lightened mood, sure, but now, after everything, all it held was pain. Pain from hearing it in her dreams for the last six years, and waking up to find herself alone once again. Pain from hearing it while awake, after days of dehydration and illness.

“In case you haven’t noticed, not really a princess anymore, Bellamy.”

He caught her elbow and turned her to face him. The smirk she heard in his voice before was gone, replaced by a worried frown. “I’m serious, Clarke. You’ve barely touched your food. And it isn’t the first time.” He shoved the plate into her hand. “Eat. You’re gonna feel sick if you don’t.” She already felt sick. Every time Raven turned her back to her. Every time Murphy made a joke about life on the Ring that she didn’t understand. Every time Echo held Bellamy’s hand, fitting in more seamlessly than Clarke ever could, than she ever would. Still, she complied, grabbing the plate without another word and left him to look for Madi in the banquet hall. He let out a heavy sigh and Clarke was grateful he stopped following her. 

The banquet hall was empty and she sat down at a chair by herself as the staff began cleaning up. She picked at her food with her fork, taking a small fruit into her mouth. She didn’t really have an appetite. A voice behind her spoke softly, “Madi left with the group already. Said you should take the day for yourself.” She jumped, once again unprepared, and her fork scratched the plate with a deafening screech. At least seven heads turned in her direction and she closed her eyes for a minute to compose herself before turning to face the voice. Jordan looked down at her with a smile, obviously oblivious to the fact that he had just scared her shitless. Fuck, she really had to get her nerves under control. She thanked him for letting her know and brought her plate into the kitchen. 

A day off meant absolutely nothing to Clarke. She had no role to fulfill here yet. She decided to go on a run. It was a habit she had picked up on Earth. It swept away her frustration and exchanged it for pure bliss. With the sweat she worked up, the earphones from Maya’s mp3 player in her ears, she would run and run and run until she almost forgot why she was upset in the first place. Almost. She climbed up the stairs to reach her quarters and changed into a tank top, tight, stretchy pants, and sneakers: luxuries she only dreamed of on Earth. Then, she used an elastic band to tie as much of her hair as she could in a bun on the top of her head, letting the shorter pieces in the very front and back hang down. She tucked the music player into a small pocket in the back on the pants and put the earphones in, finally making her way down the mountain. She circled the large village, and didn’t see a soul as the path she followed was close to the boundary. Her heart clenched when she passed Shaw’s grave but she kept running. She ran and ran until her throat felt too dry and her legs burned. She really should have brought a water bottle with her. 

After taking another shower, she settled with a book she had gotten at the market on a bench in a corner of the village and read. Sometimes, the children playing nearby would recognize her and come to talk. They asked about space, and Earth, and told her she was really old. She told them stories like she had when Madi was younger, trying her best to leave out the worst parts. Mostly she told them about the locations themself, how they were different from Sanctum, how they were the same, how Earth used to be before the first apocalypse, the second, the third. 

She skipped lunch at the palace, opting to eat the fruits and meats from the market. Lunch was more casual in the palace. Everyone came at their own time, took some of the food that had been prepared, and sat where they wanted around the palace and its surroundings. Although the local people were wary of her at first, they welcomed her with open arms now. It hadn’t taken too long; she’d only been there a few days, but they offered their food and asked for nothing in return, no matter how much she tried to give what little belongings she had in exchange. They appreciated her stories, listening attentively, hanging onto every word. At some points, the adults joined in too. She took note of their skeptical looks. They were sure that some of the things she said were magic, or stories twisted to give the children a more entertaining tail. She wished what she was saying wasn’t real. She wished it was something she had made up from her imagination, but it wasn’t. And she those memories followed her around constantly like a shadow.

Clarke wasn’t sure if the others had developed this sort of connection with the locals. She knew they walked around with Madi and Russell, but had no idea if they had tried to explore on their own as much as she had. She never saw them in the village, or when she did, they were passing through, barely meeting her eyes. It wasn’t hard to guess why. While the citizens of Sanctum were kind, they had survived through too many battles to let their guards down now. 

The suns began to set and Clarke took that as her cue to reluctantly drag herself to the dinner table. She hadn’t seen Madi all day. It was getting easier to spend time apart and that scared her. 

Everyone was already digging into their food, discussing crops and irrigation when she walked in. “Ah, Clarke. How nice of you to join us.” Russell spoke. She knew it was a joke by his amused tone and small smirk. Apparently they had a thing for sarcasm here. A few head turned up. She looked around quickly before ducking her head down. Madi. Her mother. Jordan. Diyoza. Bellamy. She didn’t meet their gaze, only sending a slight reassuring nod at Madi’s smile and crossed the room to sit at the open seat next to her. As she reached over to grab some vegetables and meat, not wanting a repeat from breakfast with Bellamy, she skimmed over each familiar head that hadn’t turned in her direction. Murphy. Raven. Miller. Emori. Niylah. Octavia. Jackson. Indra. Gaia. Echo. The conversation had ceased and a the prickle crawling down her spine made her believe it was because of her. 

“Well,” Russell stood up and the hall’s attention turned to him. “I assume you’ve all taken the past few days to settle in, and I’m sure you’re all familiar with the effect of the eclipse. Some of you more than others.” His eyes swept over the first exploration group. “Once a month, on the eve after the eclipse, we have a celebration of sorts. A festival, if you will. We do this in honor of Sanctum, for she gives us a home for all days of the year but twelve. We thank her for giving us a home, no matter how dangerous she may have been the day before.” 

He waited a beat before continuing. “In the first generation, this began as a celebration of life: the lives of those that had been lost during the eclipse, and the lives that had survived it. We’ve carried this tradition through 12 eclipses a year, for 236 years. Of course, we have advanced since then, built airlocks in our basements which filter out the air we breath, spare us from the horrors the red suns can bring. Yet this tradition is one that has been ingrained in our culture through many torturous years: friend killing friend, mother killing child, one killing self.” He took a moment to sigh in grief and nodded to himself. “We’d like to welcome you to join us in this tradition, as you are all now survivors of the eclipse; you are all members of Sanctum now.” 

All eyes were trained on him, as he broke out into a smile. “As you may have noticed, there was no celebration the night after the last eclipse. We had delayed the event to accommodate for your arrival, and it will take place three nights from now. It will give Marcus some time to adjust as he gets off bedrest tomorrow, and will give our staff and citizens time to prepare decorations. You’ll all be measured for proper formal wear tomorrow afternoon. Feel free to help decorate with the citizens in the gardens behind the palace on that Friday. They all come to hang up flowers, lanterns, and paintings, go home to get dressed, and come back just before the suns set. As I said, you’re all members of Sanctum now. Embrace it.” 

He finished his speech and everyone clapped. Clarke heard a few “woo!”’s and Murphy yelled, “Finally! I haven’t been to a party in 132 years.”

Clarke forced a smile, and tried not to show how worried she was. She felt her body heat up and not in a good way. Her hands began to shake and she felt sweat on the back of her neck and her breaths were quick and shallow. 

She’d been around people on Earth but that was life or death. She was running on adrenaline. Now it seems like she has all the time in the world but 125 years and a few weeks ago she didn’t have the time to think, to worry. That wasn’t dancing and making conversation and loud music and drinking and-

“Clarke, are you alright?” Madi rested and a hand on her shoulder and leaned in to whisper. It broke Clarke out of her thoughts for a moment, but only just. It was too much. She couldn’t handle this now, no way. 

She forced a broken smile and wiped her hands across her jeans before covering Madi’s hand with her own. “Of course.” She stood up. “I just have to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” She turned her head around searching for the nearest exit. The main entrance of the banquet hall was on the other side of the room. No chance she was going to walk by all these people right now. She got up from her chair, hoping that her shaking hands were staying still enough not to give her away, turned around and went through the exit that went to the kitchen instead, maneuvered her way through the palace and reached a bathroom. Hopefully no one saw her, and if they did, Madi could just cover for her and say she went to the bathroom. She didn’t expect anyone to notice anyways. 

Clarke locked the bathroom door behind her and turned on the sink. Her face was already streaked with tears but she didn’t remember feeling them fall, only now did she feel the dampness on her cheeks. She closed her eyes and tried to let the sound of the water calm her nerves like the waterfalls in Shallow Valley had. But her body and mind betrayed her. Her breathing had turned heavy and she started gasping for air. She steeled herself against the sides of the sink and finally looked up into the mirror. 

_Broken. Weak. You can’t even think about seeing other people without breaking down like a child. Madi’s a child and she didn’t even show an ounce of worry. Guess it’s just you._

She slammed her fist on the marble counter, silently begging the voice to leave her alone. 

 _What’s wrong, Clarke? Can’t handle a little party? Thought you were Wanheda._ It dragged the name out and snickered. _Thought you were strong, thought you could handle anything, any storm, any feeling of desperation that crawls it’s way under your skin, every abandonment and every goodbye -_

“Enough!” She punched the sturdy wall beside her and barely made a dent, but her hand was stinging with so much pain that it felt numb. “Enough,” she whispered turning back to the mirror. She had to be going crazy. People in their right minds didn’t talk to voices in their heads. People in their right minds didn’t break the bones in their hand to get try and get those voices out. People in their right minds could go to a goddamn party and not freak out over it! She cursed at herself and let her tears blur her reflection. The fingers of her left hand gripped the edge of the counter and the her right hand lay limp beside her. 

Madi knew better than to believe the bathroom excuse. She’d seen Clarke have a panic attack before, many times. She excused herself from the table and tried to ignore Bellamy’s worried eyes burning a hole into her back as she turned around and walked into the kitchen. 

She heard the water running in the bathroom down the hall from the kitchen and braced herself for what was to come. She didn’t know how bad it would be this time, but she knew she had to be strong for Clarke just as Clarke had been strong for her over and over again. She knocked on the door three times. No answer. Three more times. No answer. She wiggled the doorknob, although she knew it’d be locked. “Clarke?” She didn’t let her voice waiver. “Clarke, it’s just me. It’s Madi. Let me in.” 

Clarke didn’t realize someone was speaking to her until she heard Madi’s “Let me in.” She reached for the lock and felt a shooting pain through her hand, forgetting she had just smashed it. With her left hand, she shakily twisted the lock and opened the door. She pulled Madi in quickly and locked the door again before returning to her position in front of the mirror. Tears continued to fall and Madi didn’t say a word. She just wrapped herself tightly around her mother as she sobbed. 

After a moment Clarke pulled away and ran to the toilet. She felt sick, so sick, like she couldn’t hold anything down. She vomited the little food she had eaten as Madi held her hair back and whispered into her ear. “Shh, you’re okay. I’m here. You’re okay.” When she was finished her sobs subsided and she propped herself up against the wall, shaking. Madi reached into the running water to wet her hand, and carefully washed Clarke’s face. She brushed her hair behind her ears. Clarke could see her lips moving but couldn’t focus on the words.

_Breath in through your nose. One. Two. Three. Breath out through your mouth. One. Two. Three._

That’s what she told Madi on Earth. It seemed too difficult to follow her own advice now, but she forced it anyways. 

Another three knocks on the door.

Both of their heads turned toward the sound. “Madi?” It was Bellamy. Madi turned to Clarke silently asking for approval. “Clarke?” His voice broke. Clarke shook her head no.

“I’m taking a shit, Bellamy! Go away.” It made Clarke laugh and she didn’t even bother scolding Madi for her language because somehow, somehow this girl could make her smile even when she was at her worst.

“Please, Madi. I just want to help. Let me in.” He unsuccessfully tried to twist the doorknob. Clarke stood up, clutching her right hand against her abdomen and slowly made her way to the crack of the door. 

She took another deep breath and strengthened her tone. “This is between me and my family, Bellamy. Go back to yours.” Her whispered her name. She kept the door shut. She waited a few moments, just until she heard his footsteps finally start, getting fainter and fainter. She leaned her back to the door and sank down the floor letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. Madi scooted over to sit next to her.

“He cares about you, you know.” Clarke wouldn’t meet Madi’s eyes, just gave an infinitesimal nod. But did he? How could he aftery thing she’s done? After everything he’s done? Or did he just feel obligated to check up on her? That had to be it. He was her best friend and he left her to die. He felt bad for her; he pitied her. But he came back. This time she left him to die and face the wrath of Blodreina. He saved his friends. She didn’t save anyone. 

 _You’re a monster._  

The voice was back. She pulled at her hair and squeezed her eyes shut, ignoring the pain searing through her arm as she did so. _Get out of my head!_ She thought, trying to push it out, but the words ringed through her head, _monster, monster, monster_.

Madi was holding her hands in an instant, grabbed her hands to remove them from her hair and suddenly Clarke couldn’t ignore the physical pain to deal with the mental. She pulled her right hand away from Madi and held it in her other. “I think I have a Boxer’s Fracture.” She said mostly to herself and hoisted herself up. At Madi’s confused look she added. “I broke my hand. I have to go wrap it up.” 

“Should I go get Abby?” 

“No!” Madi flinched. Clarke didn’t mean to scare her. “I mean, no. Will you just - will you just help me?” She didn’t want her mother. She didn’t want anyone else right now. She didn’t want to explain what happened. This was embarrassing, shameful even.

Madi looked around the hallway to make sure it was empty before fully opening the door and they quietly made their way to their quarters. They didn’t want to be interrogated. When they got to the room, Madi helped Clarke wrap a few layers of bandages tightly around her hand and wrist. She didn’t return to the dinner. They didn’t talk about the events of the night. Instead, they changed into their pajamas and both climbed into Clarkes bed. Clarke turned off the the lamp on her bedside table. She took a long sip from the glass of water Madi had placed there for her. She was worn out. From the crying, from getting sick, from the pain in her hand, in her head, in her heart. She fell asleep faster and more deeply than she had in days, and the whole night she heard the word echoing in her dreams:

_Monster, monster, monster._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first chapter!!!!! what'd you think????

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhhhhhh thanks for reading!! let me know what you think :) thank you to CGDS for advice and love and support you have my whole heart. kudos and comments make me write faster so there's that.  
> You can find me at [@yourereallyhere](https://yourereallyhere.tumblr.com) for all questions/comments/rants/literally everything else xoxoxoxoxo


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